Minutes 9/14

A woody clearing betwixt the picturesque nineteenth century brick edifices of Bates College. A smattering of crunchy upperclassmen, along with small groups of nervous first years, sit criss-cross-apple-sauce (apple-saucy-fact am I right?) in something that loosely resembles a circle.

A rollerblading scrub enters left– SKRRRRRRRRR, BRRRRAHHHH

More Bobcats enter left and right, hitting up that BOC life

JKlein begins an impromptu game of duck duck goose (it’s goose, shutup)

President NATHAN D. PLOCK calls the meeting to order

Directors introduce themselves–

“Hey I’m Nate and I’m the president blah blah”

“I’m Noel and I like Katahdin”

“I’m Kurt and I run the snapchat”

“I’m soccer and I run the e room with Miles (Kilometers)”

“I’m Audrey and ‘ohhhhhh’ I’m a senior”

“I’m Emmet and I’ll get wet with you”

“I’m Dan and I can go up things with my hands and stuff”

“I’m Paul and I’m off the deep end”

“I’m Bruno and I’m from Cali”

“I’m Josh and I am Kurt’s apprentice”

“I’m Sam and I get pitted”

“I’m Eli and I get arguably more pitted”

“I’m not Tess but she’s the treasurer”

“I’m Adair and I am a squid”

“I’m Sophia and I keep things fresh”

“I’m Emma and I ride bikes”

— Nate lets everybody know where the e room is. It’s a great place (what a great place)  to get all the gear you need for your next adventure. It’s in the depths of Chase Hall’s buttcrack aka the loading dock aka the package center (RIP (Harambe)). If you rented gear for AESOP, go to the same place.

— Meetings will take place outside for as long as possible. Why? Check the name of the club. When things get chilly we can either huddle like penguins for warmth (mmmm body heat. Flashbacks to AESOP? I hope not…), or we can go to the meeting room. Meeting room is near the e room, in what could be considered Chase Hall’s gooch. It’s the far left door when facing the loading dock from Muskie.

— All Bates students are considered active members of the club, but only ‘Council Members’ can vote on club business. To become a Council Member: Go to three meetings, go to a work trip (Rihanna will be there), and then tell a tale of any one of your dank adventures. If you do all that you get a rad patch as well as mad rep.

— Soccer puts in a savagely shameless plug for volunteering at the e room. Get involved, people. Kilometers adds that this is a great way to work your way up the BOC’s complex corporate hierarchy.

A dead silence follows as the inexperienced administration has a catastrophic brain fart. Crickets do their thang. First years begin to leave. Kurt laughs about something he did on BDD snapchat. Things are getting tense.

Paul the Deepest rips a fat stinker to break the silence. The poor first years to his right and left collapse from spontaneous asphyxiation, and Miles (Kilometers) gets to work. Ekey gives president Nate a mean backhand to wake him from his drooling stupor. The meeting resumes.

— BOC meetings go as follows:

– Announcements, Hell yes. (Eli has an announcement about surfing because he’s a freaking degenerate) (Announcement two: Sugarloaf Mountain Bike Fest next weekend– it’s sick) (Announcement three: don’t steal the fucking climbing shoes from the climbing wall) (All of these announcements have me nostalgic for announce emails, RIP (Harambe))

– Trips, Hell. Yes. (Soccer’s going to Higgins) (Eli’s going to Higgins) (Adair is going to the lean-to– send it) (Dan the Sendy is stripping the sending wall tomorrow—–WORK TRIIIIP) (Marshreddy is going for a bike ride tomorrow) (Rickerich the Tubular is going surfing mad early Friday morning) (Shred Barn–5:30–tomorrow–___SUNRISE PADDLE___) (Audrey is going on a run after the meeting, dude come onnnnnn)

– This SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY (JK Saturday) is Clambake. It’s a full-send adventure into lobster territory. Send it, shred it, love it, shine bright. Peeps are biking. It’s a “Beginner Friendly” roadbike-required, 42 mile ride. Okay Maddy. Sure.

– if ⅗ of your car is open you can get a BOC funded trip. Send an email and/or talk about it at a meeting.  Do it.

– GEAR. Finally… (Eli wants surfing stu— “Chill I got this” -Bruno) (Dan wants $50 worth of climbing chalk) (I was supposed to send out emails? Nahhhhh) (Let’s vote)

–$800 for wetsuits APPROVED

–Chalk already approved? waaaaat

-STORIES. Shit yes.

–Sarge fucking sent the Grand Teton. He’s almost crushed by a microwave?  Two Microwaves? Three Microwaves? Four? He lived. His selfie taking partner really killed the vibe. Summited anyway. Savage.

–Miles and Rosie decided to fuck their AESOP leadership trip over. It was not chill. Like nine miles not chill.

–Paul the Deepest recounts the tale of the first (not) ascent of Mt. Bassie. The crux of his trip was pissing on his toothbrush. It was basically a 200% send.

–Katie’s yung camper (*rap air horn*) was shitty at shitting. Poops on her poop bag. Poops on Katie’s poop bag. Pooping in bags? Overrated.

— AUDREY GODDAMMIT ANNOUNCEMENTS are over. “Do the outdoor nation thing” “Okay”

— “I’m Nate and I’m the president and the meeting is over”

Miles manages to revive one of Paul’s victims, but the other is in critical condition. He uses his pocket HAM radio to call in the CMMC chopper. It attempts a high-risk approach to the LZ. Kurt is performing snapchat shit. The chopper’s rotor clips an ear of the bobcat-shaped library (it doesn’t look like a bobcat). Kurt rouses the group into a BDD death chant as the chopper spins out of control, careening towards the ill-fated group.

To be continued